I am in "not love" - again
Oh hello, its been some time since the last post. A lot has happened. A thing called Paradox happened, and that changed my a life a little bit. Care to guess what happened - ding ding ding - BINGO. A girl, a woman happened. She cut through me like a hot knife on butter. In a good way. She has made me realize things about myself, things I didn't know existed. I always knew I had a softer side, but holy hell I didn't know I was melted marshmallows on the inside. She brought it out so effortlessly. And the maturity on that fine woman, who is younger than me by the way, oh god. She makes me realize the social gaps in my personality on an everyday basis. How does that happen? I do some dumb shit, I piss her off, and what does she do while pissed off? Asks me how I'm doing, and explains why what I did pissed her off, I mean it can't get any better than that. Who does that? All this, while being absolutely beautiful. Her face, her attitude, her body - o my god the shape and eyes - eyes worth going to war for. This is a woman that has redefined grace and elegance. This woman, is almost perfect. Now read the title again. I'll be damned. This woman has not only raised my standards for the women in my future and has set a near impossible bar, she has unknowingly set a bar for a man in my head. Of what I want to be. She didn't even set it, she made me set it myself, made me realize all this, and she doesn't even know that she did. In all logical sense I need to be head over heels in love with her, But I am not. I wish she stays a part of my life for as long as I have one, but I don't want her as my life partner. There is an inherent imbalance in the relationship I have with her. It isn't fair. On one hand she helps me a lot navigating my heart, my emotions, and I don't have anything to offer in return, and on the other hand, I have practically surrendered myself to her, laid myself bare and, she doesn't have anywhere near that level trust in me to do something like that. This imbalance will never let me be in love with this incredible woman, whom I very much love with all my heart. If I am not in love, what am I in? I don't have the answer, I don't want to call this a friendship, unless you define friendship as a spectrum of love and affection, then she is in the right most end of it. Peace out.